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"I know being with dogs and swimming with dolphins have proven therapeutic for ASDs, but when my doctor suggested Hippotherapy for our son I said there's no way he's getting in a mud hole with a giant pig."
"Your father suffers from 'Notip Arthritis.' It's characterized by a stiffening of the waitress."
"I know Facebook is great and you want to be a part of it. But your'e my mom -you can't be my friend."
"You're a great geek, Martin. You're just not my geek."
"Oh, great - another brain!"
Parental Training Course - Some Course Highlights - 1) Driving from Idaho to Louisiana in a sub-compact vehicle with a pack of wild dingos in the back seat. 2) Leading a bull safely through a china shop - using voice commands ONLY! 3) Meticulously grooming a flock of feeding vultures in less than 60 seconds using only a wet kleenex.
"The nice thing about having kids at our age is that we've nearly got the same nap schedule."
"I really think it's a boy. Why else would I turn off 'Masterpiece Theater' to hog the remote through a two-hour 'Wrestlemania'?"