 "How's the defragmentation coming?" |  "No that's not the icon for Excel, it's the icon for Excuse, the database of reasons why you haven't learned the other programs in Office." |  "I started running 'what if' scenarios on my spreadsheet, like, 'What if I were sick of this dirtwad job and funneled some of the company's money in to an off-shore account?'" |  (At FEMA, employees often use Excel's custom format function to create formulas for disaster.) |