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 "The odd thing is he always insists on using the latest version of Office." |  "They won't let me through security until I remove the bullets from my Word document." |  "My spam filter checks the recipient's address, http links, and any writing that panders to postmodern English romanticism with conceits to 20th century graphic narrative." |  (Uber-user Dwayne Grantz chalks up before putting Windows Vista through it's paces.) |
 "How's the defragmentation coming?" |  "No that's not the icon for Excel, it's the icon for Excuse, the database of reasons why you haven't learned the other programs in Office." |  "I started running 'what if' scenarios on my spreadsheet, like, 'What if I were sick of this dirtwad job and funneled some of the company's money in to an off-shore account?'" |  (At FEMA, employees often use Excel's custom format function to create formulas for disaster.) |